Bin Laden Says He’s ‘Professionally Envious’ of BP

In a new video that is light on his usual threats but heavy on admiration, Osama bin Laden admits that he is “professionally envious” of oil giant BP’s massive oil spill, saying that it puts his efforts to create destruction and chaos to shame.

“There are times in an evildoer’s life when one has to stand back and admire

“There are times in an evildoer’s life when one has to stand back and admire a job well done,” Mr. bin Laden says in the video.  “BP, you blow me away.”

The Al-Qaeda mastermind adds that his first thought upon seeing BP’s spill was, “Man, I’ve got to step up my game.”

Mr. bin Laden claims in the video that he rarely feels envious towards other evildoers, but says he likes “to use that energy to push myself to be the best terrorist I can be.”

As for the envy he felt after seeing BP’s handiwork, the madman says, “I haven’t felt this way since the whole Toyota thing.” 

So we don’t blame you for being skeptical of Borowitz as a financial adviser. But on the plus side, at least he’s on his meds.

Let’s take a look at Next Week’s money.

In the space of an hour, the Dow Jones Industrial average will plunge a thousand points and soar a thousand points, only to plunge again.  After a lengthy investigation, the SEC will blame “the big computer machine that makes the up-and-down line-thingy.”

Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein will deny rumors that Goldman was behind the stock market’s wild gyrations. He will also deny rumors that he is actually Superman’s arch-nemesis, Lex Luthor.

The euro will cease to exist as the primary currency of Europe.  On the positive side, it will still be accepted for use in the popular board game “Le Monopoly.”

More bad news for the housing market: Sales of existing homes will plummet as homeowners are unable to get their recently graduated children to move out.

And finally, some good news from the energy sector: Experts will finally find a solution to the oil leak in the Gulf.  They’ll plug the leak with BP executives.  And on that subject, a thought for next week: You know who’s been strangely silent about the leak?  Joe the plumber.

And that’ll do it for this money edition of Next Week’s News.

http://www.pbs.org/wnet/need-to-know/video/next-weeks-news-with-andy-borowitz-3/1122/